Some Friendly Advice on How to Be a Good Stepmother
I have mentioned my stepson, my “bonus boy”, Coen, in previous articles. I’ve only briefly touched on the good, the bad, and the ugly of being a good, bad, or ugly stepmother. And it’s something worth elaborating on, since I have experience being all three!
That’s not to claim that I know all of the ins and outs of how to be a perfect stepmother, but I’m certainly striving to be a “good enough” one. For the number of times that my teenage stepson has told me that I’m a “good mama”, I’d say that I at least have a little credibility to write on the subject. Take it up with him if you disagree.
Before I fully dive-in here, I’m going to try to keep this as organized as I can, but as any fellow stepparents out there know, the journey. is. complicated. I’ll talk about the evolution of our relationship, things I’ve learned, and wrap it up with fun bonding activities that any stepmother or stepfather can easily incorporate. You can jump to that list here.
Easy Mode
Nathan and I met at the end of February 2019. After our first date (impromptu, lasted 10 hours, and involved a lot of “emotional-is this a deal breaker?-chicken”), it wasn’t even a week before he was having me meet his son. Granted, this is certainly to be the rare exception, not the rule! But I think even after our first date, we already knew marriage was likely inevitable…
I still remember the first time I met Coen. (Literally one day after Nathan and I became “official”. Again, exception, NOT the rule.) He’s 12-years-old, playing Sea of Thieves on the Xbox, Nathan’s making pancakes and bacon for a special supper…for as nervous as I remember being, everything felt pretty natural right out of the gate.
By the end of that first meeting, Coen had flipped the back of his shirt over his head like a goofball, saying “See, I’m normal!” to make me laugh, we had a dance party to Sea of Thieves music before his bedtime, and he asked me to help his dad tuck him in.
For as easy as it all felt, it’s pretty profound looking back on it. Coen has ASD-1/HFA, and he pretty much instantly welcomed me into his heart. And that very night, after we were sitting back down on the couch, Nathan confessed, “I’m sorry, but I’m in love with you”. And we hadn’t even known each other a week…
What can I say? They both fell pretty hard for me. Suckers.
The Clincher
By the following month, Nathan and I were seeing each other, even if just for a few minutes, just about every single day. After I’d finish a night shift at the hospital, I’d drive to his house to hang out with him and Coen at the school bus stop before Nathan would leave for work. After my evening classes at NSU, I’d often go straight over for family dinner.
Coen would occasionally slip up and call me “Mom” even that early on. Needless to say, our family unit was pretty cohesive and inseparable, apart from custody absences. Until Nathan and Coen went on a week-long Mexico mission trip through Anthem Church (in Tulsa, OK) for Spring Break.
Nathan wanted to use the time apart for confirmation of what we both already knew: that we were a sealed deal. 100%, this was the absolute clincher for us. Barely a month after meeting, we were acutely aware that any proposal of marriage was a mere formality at this point. And I was well on my way to becoming a stepmother…
When my boys got back home from Mexico, as soon as I walked in the door, I heard Coen’s stampeding footsteps sprinting from upstairs. He got to me well before Nathan had the chance and smothered me with affection. I had worn bright red lipstick for an occasion such as this and planted a big kiss right on his cheek.
I had made a special “Welcome Home” dinner of oven fried chicken and slow-cooker smashed potatoes, and even Coen, with food aversions, polished every last morsel off of his plate. Things were just solid and right, every interaction full of sincerity and acceptance….and novelty.
Level Up: New Stepmother
Leading up to getting married, everything pretty much seemed like a fairytale, right? Minus the evil stepmother…but don’t worry, she’s coming.
Oof, where do I even begin to unpack any of this?
Nathan and I got married less than 4 months after meeting. We’d had conversations with Coen about what this would mean. I’d be living with them in their house now. I’d be his stepmother. We would officially be a family. And, no, he couldn’t come on our honeymoon with us, but thanks for asking…
It’s one thing to explain concepts like these to a child. It’s another thing entirely to fully accept these concepts yourself. I wrote separate vows to Coen, vowing that even though we might not always get along, I’d always strive to be a good stepmother. That I’d always love him as if he were my own. That I’d be his biggest fan and love him no matter what.
And then, I became a stepmother.
That’s not to say that it was some cursed switch that flipped as soon as I said “I do”. In spite of the fact that many issues I’m working through feel like that at times. It was a steady, progressive wearing away of the aforementioned novelty.
Preteen boys are cute, but so annoying. Sensory ticks and idiosyncrasies that are inherent with an ASD-1 diagnosis? Overwhelming to someone also likely on the spectrum with C-PTSD to boot. And I’d never been a parent before…I’d only had terrible ones. Did I want to emulate their parenting styles? Absolutely not. Did I have any sort of healthy modeling example to pull from? Also, no.
Checkpoint
I was burnt out with nursing. I was learning to be a wife (to someone who had already been married, then divorced). And I had really no idea at that point who I even was as a person. Maybe I thought I did, or at least had the basest foundational idea of who I might be. But I was scrambling for some direction.
My critical new role of “stepmother” felt untenable. Over time, my confidence was shearing away, my frustrations and resentments were simmering, my own unmanaged C-PTSD baggage was boiling over. I witnessed first-hand the default programming of my own parents’ poor parenting choices weaseling in and wreaking havoc on my relationships.
I’d withdrawal like my father, not talk, hide up in the bedroom till Nathan would come home from work. Or I’d be defensive and aggressive like my mother, defensively expecting the worst, seeing any action as disrespect or manipulation from a “spoiled only child” and ultimately externally process my most aggressive, internal, imaginary conflicts onto Nathan. For him to “handle” things.
For the sake of vulnerability, honesty, relatability, these issues were rearing their ugly heads before I even got pregnant with Orson. They were far more mild and subdued feelings then in some ways, but the sentiments were there. And in this way, as long as you’re humbly taking stock, learning, being honest with yourself, and trying to grow, grace for yourself is CRITICAL.
I’ve hated myself so many times along this stepmother journey, but that only perpetuated resentment. Maybe I’d be a better person if I weren’t a stepmother at all. Well, then it’s his fault I’m feeling this way! In truth, the problem was, and to some far-removed extent still is, inside of me.
Stepmother Boss Fight
Pregnancy hormones were an absolute nightmare for me and my family, but Coen suffered in particular. And they were far worse during my Nova pregnancy than they were with Orson. Still, back-to-back pregnancies, it’s really a cumulative amount of harrowing emotional instability that takes its toll.
I was a micro-manager. No one could do anything right. Everyone felt tense around me. And I was miserable. Again, I’d like to blame that on the hormones, but that silent-treatment, withdrawn, everyone-will-feel-what-I’m-feeling-without-me-saying-a-word was something I perfected when I was young. Granted, then, it was defensive posturing from always being silenced and shut-down, but now? With my own family, as a wife, stepmother, and now mother? Totally inappropriate and was taking over like a cancerous reflex.
I was single-handedly solidifying a toxic relationship with my son. I wanted to fight away the monster inside of me, the desire was there. But I had no idea where to even begin.
Game Over: Evil Stepmother K.O.
By the time Nova had been born and the worst of her colic was about over, Coen left for the summer. By that point, things were on an upswing for us. Hormones were leveling out, a lot of open, honest conversations were had. The wrinkles were getting ironed out to restore some sort of unified baseline.
While he was gone, I poured myself into working out and fitness, and it proved to be massively grounding. Then, breakthrough. Just a few weeks before Coen got home. Yeah, at this rate, maybe I’d be an okay stepmother after all, but God got a hold of me. He told me that I needed to step up to be a good stepmother, and that meant dealing with a lot of unresolved traumas.
I bulked up on C-PTSD and gentle parenting literature. It was super edifying and validating. It stripped away the “crazy” stigma and gave me tools for self-improvement and growth. Pouring myself over these books, destabilizing the narrative that I have no control over the baggage, I began overcoming the programming of my own upbringing.
My relationships with all three of my kids aren’t perfect by any means, but it was the beginning of massive transformation in my relationship with Coen. It keeps getting better over time, and easier, and I’m so thankful to be his stepmother and “Mama”. This journey with him has taught me so much about myself and what it means to be a good parent. Step- or otherwise.
Some Takeaways
Even if you feel trapped by broken, dysfunctional patterns, relationships are meant for repair and restoration. It requires humility. And it also, in this case, requires adults to be adults and not put the responsibility onto their childrens’ shoulders to carry a healthy relationship.
ALL feelings are worth examining. The harder I tried to take control of, deny my feelings, white-knuckle or power through them, the more they controlled me. Pressure I put on myself to be a good stepmother because it was what I “signed up for” completely dismissed my helplessness and feelings of overwhelm. I stripped away my own power, projected my resentments, and micro-managed…instead of learning mindfulness and taking responsibility for my own emotional awareness.
You do need to take care of yourself before taking care of someone else. It’s not selfish. Sometimes, it literally means dealing with and unpacking your baggage before projecting that baggage onto your kids. Have grace and compassion for yourself. And take the pressure of perfection off of your shoulders. As long as you are moving onward and upward, you’re making progress.
Really, I feel this takeaway is the most important. In order to be a good stepmother, or stepparent in general, don’t let the “step-” be a barrier or an excuse. I get that maybe I’m more fortunate than others in this role. I’ve never had Nathan tell me to stay in my lane, and I’ve never had Coen tell me that I’m not his real mother. In order to be a good stepmother, I had to decide to be a good mother. Plain and simple. Coen is my son, and I love him as if he were mine biologically. Even though it took me time to embrace that position.
New Game +
I once read something on this subject that really stuck with me:
It’s harder to say “I hate you” to someone you have a “bank” of good memories with.
Part of being a good stepmother has been being intentional about building our relationship, not just trying to maintain peaceful unity. Conflict still arises from time to time. C’mon, he’s a teenage boy, let’s be realistic. That being said, we’ve been banking some good memories…even if it requires me pulling him off of his computer to go make them.
Here’s my list for some fun bonding ideas to get you started with building a stronger relationship with your own stepchildren:
Take Dates!
Like going to an Escape Room. What better way to force bonding than being locked in a room for an hour trying to solve a problem together! We’ve got a reservation set up in August to solve an “impossible murder mystery” in San Antonio. So, to make it clear, I’m not talking about going to the movies or any easy-out date that doesn’t facilitate communication.
About once or twice a month, we go out to a coffee shop together, just us, for a Mama-Son date. And it forces us to talk and engage. We always have a good time chatting over a couple of dirty chai lattes. I’ll be honest, when you first start taking intentional dates out, it feels awkward. I’d get anxious about it. Overtime, it does become something you look forward to and enjoy. Embrace it!
Make a Cookbook/Scrapbook!
Okay, so maybe this one doesn’t immediately translate to bonding. However, I argue that in writing a scrapbook containing letters from his parents, recipes that he enjoys from his Mama, and pictures of all of our memories together in Instax snapshots, when he’s given this after graduation and uses it in years to come, he’ll remember my effort.
Meh, maybe not.
But writing him letters about stuff we’ve talked about and memories we’ve shared, good and bad will be good for him to look back on and remember the evolution of his relationship with his Mama. And being intentional about addressing him in these letters, it’s helpful for me in remembering to see our relationship in a positive light.
Make a Sourdough Starter Together!
Bonus points if your stepkid is willing to actually help maintain it with you.
Coen once mentioned interest in making a sourdough starter. Just so happened, I was interested in the same undertaking. We made one for Mother’s Day 2022.
Don’t go into a project like this if you know it’ll only plant seeds of resentment. You know what I’m talking about. Your kid wants a dog, okay, but only if you feed it, take care of it, it’s your pet. Who ends up taking care of the pet in this stereotypical scenario? If you know it’ll just be one more source of disunity, do not do it.
So, sourdough starters are very much like a pet. And we named ours: Weirdough Sandvich. To be fair, maybe we should’ve gone with Emperor Palpatine, for the number of times he’s almost died.
I cannot think of a better metaphor for a struggling, but growing, relationship. I’ve yet to get Weirdough to 100% health, but I am trying. To be fair, I’m the only one feeding him, only one taking care of our pet, but W. Sandvich is a nice little reminder of that Mother’s Day with Coen. And, every now and then, Coen even comes to ask if we can bake bread together.
Make Room for Your Stepchild’s Interests and Be a Life/Job Skills Cheerleader!
I find this is the easiest to sincerely accomplish during our dates out. In terms of making room for Coen’s enthusiasm for his interests and hobbies. He can tend to be an info-dumper when he’s externally processing a new game idea. Not the easiest to hold room for when you’ve got two toddlers demanding your attention constantly.
The dates give me the perfect window to not worry about teaching manners, social give-and-take, etc. That isn’t what these outings are for. It’s for letting him be genuinely himself and me being a supportive, listening, encouraging parent. It’s really cool to sit back and let his passion and creativity really explode in the safety and acceptance of a one-on-one environment. Even if game design isn’t really my thing…
On the other hand, life/job skills. Home is the perfect place to be like “You want to learn how to create a game? That’s your summer job now!” or “You want to learn how to cook an omelet? Cool. Look up a video and figure it out”. While being totally ready to jump into celebrating his accomplishments and failures.
I tell him “Failure is a good thing, if you know that you put your all into it. It gives you a starting point to know what works, what doesn’t, and where to go from here”.
Fun Stepchild-Centric Family Activities!
Let your stepchild (or his/her interests, at least) take the lead here. Sure, occasionally we’ll drag him on an outing with his baby siblings, or pull him out of his room for movie night. But there have been those special memory-making evenings when we do an activity specifically for him.
Yeah, teenagers are generally happy enough holing away, but Coen loves video games. He loves Dungeons and Dragons. Strategy games. So, every once in a while, especially when we’ve been feeling disconnected, we plan a family game night. Either at the table for D & D or a board game, or on the couch for some Sea of Thieves. Or even just sitting together while he plays Ghost of Tsushima for the nth time.
Do we always have the mental energy for it, especially at the end of a grueling work day for Nathan and toddler-taming for me? Not by a long shot. But I’m not just a baby Mama, I’m a stepmother, and Coen needs my focus and attention, too. He needs to know that he’s a valued member of this family, and Lord knows, the clock’s ticking before he moves out. God help us all.
How to Be a Good Stepmother
If you’re still reading this far in, the motivation to be a good stepmother is there. Be present. Love like a real mother. And have perspective. Statistically, once your stepchild has turned 18, you’ve spent 90% of the time you ever will with them.
You can either sink into the misery of a dysfunctional relationship, resolve yourself to wasted years until your life can really begin, counting down the days to their graduation. Or you can take stock. Do some inner work. Even seek family therapy if needed, and choose to grow as a family with the remaining time you have left to build a lasting, meaningful connection with your stepchild.
I say this because I’ve been on both sides of the conflict. My marriage has improved as a result, our home has far more peace, and I know my relationship with Coen that we’re building now will stand the test of time. He’s my boy, and I’m his Mama. And to hear him tell it, I’m a good stepmother.