Celebrating 3 Years of Freedom

TL;DR? Meeting milestones: Celebrating 3 years of No Contact freedom from my parents.

Happy July, everyone!

Of course I’m excited to celebrate the 4th of July and our American freedom. I’m trying to find cute, patriotic Independence Day dresses on Amazon for Nova, and I’m counting down the days till I make a red, white, and blue “funfetti” angel food cake. My in-laws are visiting for a week starting the 4th, and (be jealous) my in-laws are wonderful and low-key.

But this July, I’m also celebrating another kind of freedom. A profound milestone. This July marks three years of being No Contact with my parents.

Grievous Observance

Not all celebrations are happy, but they still bear worth for remembrance. Even in the case of going No Contact with my parents, freedom hasn’t been free. I’ve said it countless times: I grieve the loss of my parents every day that they aren’t in my life. That being said, I grieve their loss as if they’re dead.

I pray for miraculous healing and restoration, but I refuse to subject myself and my family to false hope and suffering in the mean time. As much pain as it costs, being No Contact with my parents is the least painful option for everyone involved. And the most loving. And for that, the 3 years of loss is worth celebrating and remembering, even as a solemnization.

Contact Conclusion

My last visit with my parents, 3 years ago, before going No Contact, was as good of a visit as one could hope to have in a toxic and dysfunctional family. It was a decent day for us. Nathan, Coen, and I (pregnant with Orson at the time) had made the 4 hour drive from Tulsa, OK down to Fort Worth, TX to celebrate the birthday trifecta (my sister, father, and grandmother all have July birthdays) with a tacked-on baby shower.

Something I’d considered and seen as a possible inevitability really clicked for me during this visit. This is as good as it gets with my parents. This. This visit was as good as it could get (still not great), but I was also painfully aware of the dark depths of trauma and badness that my parents could offer.

I knew that I was staring at the upper limits of connection and safety. Knowing that it still wasn’t good enough or safe enough for Orson. And knowing that I couldn’t let the cycle continue. Or risk exposing our unborn child to it even once. Or allow Coen to be around it any longer…

Going No Contact with my parents was necessary.

The Choice to Go No Contact with My Parents

It was a decision I really struggled making. I wrestled and grappled and justified in a codependent trap of trauma-bonding. I knew my boundaries and my dignity as a separate entity, a person with value independent of my parents, never had been and would never be respected.

Ultimately, I surmised that if they could treat me this way all of my life, what would stop them from treating my children in the same way? I reasoned that I’d been dealing with them my whole life. I can handle them…but why should my children have to carry that burden?

In truth, at the time before going No Contact with my parents, I didn’t have enough self-worth to self-preserve. I needed to go No Contact from them for myself too. But my children, unborn and otherwise, were the best motivators to make some changes. And my marriage suffered, too. The sheer amount of tension and stress that every interaction with my parents added into our lives, when we’d only just begun our life together…

It was unjust. It was unfair. And it was unsafe. And I’m sorry that it took me getting pregnant to finally find enough worth in myself to put an end to it.

Why I Went No Contact with My Parents When I Did

Even deciding when to pull the ripcord was a difficult quandary. Maybe, just maybe, they could at least meet Orson. We could see if having grandkids would soften or change their hearts at all and take it from there. Go No Contact with my parents at the first sign of danger after that.

I couldn’t do it. First of all, they’ve proven themselves unsafe for years. Adding a new, fresh, wholly-vulnerable person to the fold wouldn’t change a thing. Secondly, even if Orson would be too young to remember going No Contact with his grandparents, my parents would suffer doubly.

Regardless of how cruel going No Contact with parents seems to some people, I didn’t want my decision to be done out of resentment or anger or punishment. I certainly didn’t want to add insult to injury by letting them meet Orson only to rip him away and leave a deeper scar. Also, I gave my mother the courtesy of telling her goodbye as well, instead of just No Contact “ghosting”.

I can’t not love my parents, and I don’t hate them. Truly, I wish it wasn’t this way. I wish that I knew that my mother was actually capable of genuine love. But I can’t change or control anyone else, I can only control my response to issues. Going No Contact and letting my parents be God’s problem, especially when I chose to do so, July of 2020, was me loving and honoring them.

Shackles Broken and Cycles Breaking

Three years since going No Contact with my parents, I’ve changed so much. I’m aspiring to be a gentle parent. While I don’t always get it right, I know I’m breaking the cycle that I was born into. My self-worth has grown tremendously. I invest in myself and my health and pursue things that I’m passionate about, like writing.

I’ve started healing from the things I thought were personality traits that were actually poor coping skills in disguise. I’m less obsessive about my need for control, my pursuit of perfection, consequences of having no control for years and years. I’ve believed for a long time now that I’m an introvert, but I’m questioning even that now.

I actually get energized spending time with my friends and neighbors now. Caveat: I never really learned great social skills. While I love being around my people, I don’t feel like I have any tools at my disposal to connect, which is crippling.

My point is this. After 3 years of No Contact with my parents, I’m actually beginning to discover who I am apart from them. While it makes me sad that it’s taken me 30+ years and going No Contact to really begin to see and love myself, I’m thankful that it’s finally happened. Some people never feel that freedom.

Celebrating Freedom

So get out those brats to grill, shoot off some fireworks, and absolutely celebrate this 4th of July. Enjoy and embrace and appreciate your loved ones and all the freedom that you have. Remember the cost of that freedom. I’ll be celebrating our national independence while also recognizing a different freedom that I gained 3 years ago.

Freedom isn’t without cost. It isn’t free. But I’m thankful for sacrifices, difficult decisions made, and shackles broken. I’m grateful for all of my freedoms.

Happy 4th of July to you and yours!