Parenting Perspective

Few more powerful statements applicable to parenting than “take the good with the bad”.

I’ve had some serious writer’s block lately. Every time I think of writing a life update, it feels like I’ve gotten myself stuck in some death-loop of negativity. I’m tired of being stuck here, and in truth, I probably propagate some of my own misery. But I’m deciding to take the good with the bad. Recognize and appreciate moments of joy where I can. Even though it’s all so hard.

I think a shift in perspective is massively helpful, but it’s only the first step in this. Mindfully practicing gratitude requires just that: practice. Application. It will get easier. It works if you work it. This doesn’t necessarily negate how hard things still are. It isn’t about denial. But it is about finding balance in perspective so you don’t spiral into a negative oblivion.

Don’t get me wrong. With parenting, there’s no shortage of things to complain about. But you rob yourself of so much joy if you don’t breathe in the short, sweet moments of happiness and adventure that children offer.

And venting about complaints is a slippery slope if not tempered by recognition of the positive.

You can literally train your brain to seek more positivity or more negativity in any given circumstance. As that synaptic pruning gets going, it can take far more work to undo the foundational pattern of thinking you’ve set up for yourself. In the words of Admiral Ackbar: “It’s a trap!”

So I’m seeking balance. I’m learning how to really take the good with the bad…

Take the Good with the BAD

I’ve had plenty to complain about recently that I’ve touched on in Stay the Course and Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Woes. I think our biggest struggle in this season overall has been an overwhelming sense of stagnation.

We’re juggling a million different balls as parents. In meeting the demands of so many responsibilities, it feels like we’re not able to do anything well. In the face of what feels like overwhelming failure, it’s easy to buckle. To feel burnt out. Feel like you can’t really do anything at all. Such a miserably negative mental rut to be stuck in…

But, I mean, this is what we’re up against:

Poopy Purgatory

Do you know how unbelievably hard it is to even FIND good to take with the bad when potty-training has not only FAILED a third time but has also managed to BACKFIRE?

Picture potty-training as a mountainous sand dune. We’d been slogging up the side of this obstacle for 5, almost 6 weeks. We embarked with high hopes, having seen signs of potential readiness (or so we thought). Third time will be the charm. Nope. Apparently not.

Orson is so smart. He’s got all of the theory and knowledge down. He roleplays with toy dinos and stuffed animals. Builds potties for them made out of magnet tiles. This boy will generally even do his best to keep his underwear dry on outings because of what a novelty using a public potty is.

But at home…We’d been climbing the dune for almost 6 weeks. The sand is deep, we aren’t covering much ground, we’re losing hope. We’re exhausted, all of us. The frustration, the anger, the hopelessness is really settling into our everyday life. Talked to my therapist about it, and initially she agreed: third time in, doesn’t seem like there’s any going back…

But the power struggles this attempt has resulted in haven’t felt worth it. He’s not listening to his body, or, at the very least, he refuses to communicate when he needs to go. We’ve been climbing and climbing…but it actually felt like we were LOSING ground at this point. Six agonizing weeks of misery for everyone.

About a week ago, even the therapist encouraged taking a step back. So last ditch effort, we even tried rewards. That backfired massively. Then, we resigned to giving up for now….

It. Didn’t. Help.

All of his knowledge is still there. He knows poopy goes in the potty. To him, the ends justify the means. So he poops in his pull-ups (he did this in underwear, too). Takes them off, making a huge mess in the process. And any poop that has fallen on the ground? He tries picking it up using his pull-up as a makeshift mitt to get that poo-poo in the potty…

So here we are…in poopy purgatory. We’ve not only lost ground, rolled down that sandy dune, but we are now deep in dirty trenches.

Teaching a Teenager Empathy

Hahahaha. Haha. Anyone with a teenager, much less a neurodivergent teen, knows this battle. Recognize the importance of investing in other people! Even when it doesn’t come naturally…

We’re working on it. We’ll get there. It’s exhausting and discouraging most days. But we’ll get there. Hopefully. Enough said.

Toddling Contradictions, Power Struggles Galore, & Sensory Meltdowns

Well, this one just stands to reason, doesn’t it? I’ve got two toddlers. Of course, this just goes with the territory. Nova watches Orson say “No!” and “All done!” with reckless abandon, so she mimics her older brother at times. Double the fight, double the fun…

They both want to be incredibly independent. When they aren’t being Stage 5 Clingers, gluing themselves to our legs and demanding “keel you” (yes, hilariously sounds like a death threat, but somehow it means “carry me”). Which invariably always happens when we’re cooking…

Taking them on a store adventure solo anymore is like rolling the dice. They’re both only satisfied to ride in the cart for a short while before getting restless and wanting to walk. But, logistically, being allowed to walk independently leads to a couple different, but all inconvenient, outcomes.

One wants to walk, now they both want to walk. Nova is a flight risk. Orson’s asking me to hold his hand. I still need to push the cart. Nova starts to wander. I let go of Orson to put Nova back in the cart. She’s yelling “Walk! Walk! Walk!” while Orson whines “Hold hand, hold hand”. Definitely an adventure in staying calm under pressure…

But the worst of this power struggle season is Orson’s looping…

It took me some time to really nail it down, but he gets sensory meltdowns. He isn’t autistic, but neurotypical kids can struggle with these too. I know I had them when I was younger, based on stories I heard growing up, and my parents were NOT equipped. Some days, it’s like it starts off as a tantrum. But it unlocks some stored up pool of negative energy and emotion…

The best way I can describe it is like he’s having a night-terror while awake. It’s so far beyond a simple tantrum, and the worst of them have lasted over an hour before. Those are thankfully a very rare occurrence, but it crushes me to see him there. Like he’s being flooded with adrenaline, his fight-or-flight is malfunctioning, and he. is. stuck. Like a broken record.

All you can do is sit there with him. Ride it out. Offer your presence. Be his port in the storm when he’s ready for you. Know nothing he’s asking for will help. “Water!” Hand him his water. “All done, water!!!” Further devolving into tears and wailing. And nothing can snap him out of it. He just has to exhaust himself.

And being his shelter in that, understanding what he’s going through, that is emotionally exhausting. But I feel like there’s an honor in it, too. I am honored to get to be his Mama through emotional storms he has no control over. I get to be his safe space.

Take the Bad with the GOOD

That feels like an appropriate segue into positive perspective and gratitude. In learning to really appreciate and take the good with the bad, you begin to recognize how much good there really is. Even in the hardship.

Guys, some days lately, it’s enough to just be grateful that I made it through another day. Y’know, instead of wondering how I’m gonna manage to do it all again tomorrow. Small wins, small wins. Still, accentuate the positive. Or you might miss it altogether…

Nova is SLEEPING!!!

Last night aside. We think maybe she’s got a little secondary infection/cold from the seasonal allergies lately, and it had her restless last night. Beyond that, last week, there were a few nights where she didn’t just sleep through them, but SHE SLEPT IN! WHAT?!!?! Ferberizing helped, but I know we wouldn’t be where we are today without her Hatch!

Thank God we’ve finally gained some ground in that. No, the more restful sleep doesn’t solve all of our problems like I hoped it would, but we’re handling the daily grind better than we would without it. And on top of that, she is absolutely blossoming developmentally. Not in a small part due to better rest, I’m sure.

I know, too, that it’s also due in part to being pulled along to deeper developmental waters by having older siblings. All the same, she’s talking so much, dancing every chance she gets, already counting to 7 correctly and consistently. She is soaking everything in (and gleefully eating everything in sight), radiating so much joy, collecting every geological marvel she can get her hands on…she is so much fun!

And she and Orson both are swiftly learning to recognize emotions, to talk about them, to work through them…to regulate just a tiny bit faster. And Mama and Papa are a little better rested, slightly better equipped to have more patience as they do.

Orson is Growing in Courage!

I’ve had the deepest privilege of watching my sweet, sensitive son choose to face fears head-on lately. With Halloween approaching, we’ve had countless opportunities to see scary monsters (like inflatable lawn decorations in our all-out-for-Halloween neighborhood or the animatronic, motion-sensing terrors at Party City).

Nova freezes up a little, but rebounds quickly, at each new exposure to something unusual or scary. Orson, on the other hand…

“All done! All done!!” Followed by tears. Trembling. Full-blown panic reactions. If I sense something is bringing him to that point, I calmly course-correct, gently leading him away by holding his hand, while explaining to him that it’s okay to be scared. However, I also make sure to explain the pretend/toy elements of Halloween.

Yeah, you’re right. Those spiders ARE creepy. But they’re toys, so they can’t hurt you. You’re safe. This is all pretend, for fun. Validate the fear, but effectively disarm it. The inflatable lawn decorations like Oogie Boogie up the street? He’s just a giant balloon of a character in a movie. We can try to watch it later if you’d like.

Since the beginning of “Spooky Season”, he has evolved into such a brave boy! If something scares him, I stand by him to validate, he decides he wants to go back and see it. Closer this time! He was even fascinated by an impromptu anatomy lesson as I showed him pictures of skeletons, and explained that he even has one in his body!

Needless to say, he’s watched Nightmare Before Christmas (Nova and Orson both ask me to play the Boogie-Man song on repeat), he always wants to blow a kiss to the Walmart display ghost, and we go on walks. Sometimes multiple times a day…just to go say hi to all of his little ghoulie, monster friends.

The Holidays & Birthdays are Imminent!

The holiday season is an all-consuming obsession for me! Nathan could easily verify what an understatement that is…

Even just the process of planning everything brings me insurmountable amounts of joy, glee, excitement. Yes, Christmas is magical. It is the highlight. But all of my children are winter babies with birthdays all within a month’s time. December 7th, the 11th, and January 5th. Sprinkle in Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Day, and NYE….

I’d be crazy NOT to start planning things a couple months in advance.

I go all out. Do the party-planning. Balloon arches. Multi-tiered showpiece cakes and decorated cookies from scratch. My kids’ birthdays are EVENTS. I know, especially moving onto a boat in a few years for a more nomadic lifestyle, I only have a short window of time to be able to do this. So it’s my MISSION. My GOAL. My RESPONSIBILITY to make it special and memorable while I can.

For my family, with all of the holidays and birthdays so consolidated, it might as well be a non-stop month-and-a-half long celebration. It’s a lot of work and effort, yes. But I soak up every amazing second. It’s seriously all over way too quickly. Gift-wrapping, stocking-stuffing, party-planning…these are my love languages.

Even on the worst days with the kids, I still have the pressing reminders of how much I’d do for them, no matter what. How special and loved and celebrated I want each of them to feel. Not on just their birthdays, but everyday.

And…this is the first year since Nathan and I married that Coen will be with us for all of those major events! It also sounds like my in-laws will be able to make it this year as well, which is an added blessing for sure!

I. AM. SO. EXCITED!!!

Accentuate the Positive

As is often the case once emphasizing gratitude starts, when you take the good with the bad, it’s so easy to get on a roll. I’m thankful for giggly goodnights when Nova is laugh-screaming “more” for so many kisses. I’ve got so much gratitude in my heart every time I see Orson and Nova playing together, or when they’re willing to “help” sweep or set the table.

My confidence as a parent recently skyrocketed when Nathan left for 4 days to go to Unreal Fest in Louisiana. By far the longest I’ve operated as a single parent, and while I’m immensely grateful for the self-assurance in my own competency, I’m unspeakably grateful that he’s back home safe. He is my support, my best friend, my sexy baby daddy. Now, although I know that maybe I could do it without him, it would be absolutely insufferable. And I wouldn’t want to.

I’m thankful that our relationship, almost 5 years in, has never felt stronger or more genuine. Even when it’s painful, we turn toward each other, and I cannot imagine, in my wildest dreams, a better partner for this life.

Therapy is going well. Slow, incremental, positive change, but definitely noticeable. I’m thankful that I didn’t have to shop around to find a really good, trustworthy one.

Nathan and I have said that we’re just trying to take this parenting journey moment by moment, one day at a time. But honestly, when certain seasons are seemingly ceaseless, choosing to take the good with the bad is of profoundly more use. We may not have hope in hard things changing tomorrow, but there is ALWAYS good to be found NOW.

If you’re willing to look for it.