A restful weekend is a requirement…
Finally decided that it was worth it. Pricey as an autism assessment is, though it’d probably just confirm what I already knew, I opted for an evaluation. Diagnosis: autistic AF. Criteria also met for OCD, though there’s some overlap. After our interview, he even suspects ADHD of the mind-wandering variety. Enacting a restful weekend has never been more important.
During our interview, my assessor and I came to the conclusion that I’ve been in a state of “functional autistic burnout” for a long time. While this resonates, the irony isn’t lost on me that I wrote my book, Parenting Without Burnout, from within this cloud.
Rest has perpetually felt like a foreign concept to me. When I try to consider what would feel restful for me as an autistic person, I’m flooded with overloading messages.
Shame. If I find a way to rest, what am I depriving my children of in the process? What am I ignoring or delaying? “Productivity equals worth” used to be my default mindset, and while I accept it’s not true logically, I slip back into the lifestyle from time to time.
I ponder: how might my taking care of myself be an inconvenience for someone else?
Thinking about how short life is, too… Rest is a waste of time if I’m not creating something in the process, right? Which would make the rest inherently pressure and work instead of leisure. But I must fear, on some level, that taking rest will leave a legacy of wasted time.
This is something I’ve been slowly attempting to retrain and rewire over time. Before the confirmed ASD diagnosis, before writing my book, I certainly had my experiences with parental burnout as well.
Differential Diagnoses
As I mentioned, I meet the diagnostic criteria for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, but there’s an overlap with autism to be considered. Same can be said for ADHD. You present with a list of signs and symptoms. Differential diagnoses can explain said symptoms, so it becomes a question of and/or.
Can you rule something out? Or is it both?
Categories of burnout are kind of like that. Autistic burnout and parental burnout can share certain characteristics, but they aren’t the same thing. I try to remind myself of this when the impostor syndrome begins to root.
I wrote a book about parental burnout while suffering from autistic burnout. Looking back, I’m impressed by my capacity to push through and get things done. And the advice I give in Parenting Without Burnout is still all as applicable and actionable as it was when I wrote it.
Impostor syndrome, be damned.
As a result of what I’ve learned from my personal experiences navigating parental burnout and the research that went into writing my guide, Nathan and I have both benefitted tremendously. We’ve found ways to better cope with our parenting responsibilities despite a lack of readily available support.
We’re no longer in the murk and mire of parental burnout, and our family is better for it.
My autistic burnout, on the other hand…
I gotta work on this.
Sabbath Saturdays for a Restful Weekend
Correction: I have to find a way to rest. Turning rest into a task, something I “gotta work on”, misses the point entirely.
But, to a degree, all of this still feels like homework, right? I have to find what fills my cup. Break free from my anhedonia. Permit my brain to feel pleasure again. It’s rewiring. Learning myself. And it feels like some ouroboros, snake-eating-its-own-tail dilemma.
Put in the work of self-discovery so that I can find what feels restful and restorative.
But how can I put in solid work toward self-discovery if I’m too burnt out to dig deep into soul searching? So, rest becomes the priority?
Yeah, rest is the priority.
Here’s where I take a page from my own literal book. We’re coming off of a solid stretch of no sabbaths. Prepping for vacation. Clean house, so we can come home to sanctuary. Social interactions and saying bye to friends we won’t see for a couple weeks. Our Land & Sea Disney trip.
All of it amazing. No rest in sight.
We have to get back into rhythm. Choosing a sabbath Saturday sets the stage for a more restful weekend. Having even a somewhat restful weekend was pivotal for parental burnout; maybe it’s a step in the right direction for my autistic burnout, too. TBD, TBH.
Either way, it’ll take time and intention.
More Balance to Banish Burnout
I think for anyone, whether autistic or allistic, neurotypical or divergent, finding balance is nonnegotiable to mental health and wellness. A certain amount of challenge and work is healthy, but when the scales tip toward that value-in-productivity mindset, reset is necessary.
Personally, I tend to be uneven in my productivity. I’ll have these bursts of work, work, work like Rihanna. I’ll feel okay with myself because I have proof of my worth. Then, the crash comes. And when it does, all my feelings of “okay-ness” are replaced by an inner critic calling me lazy.
You know what takes the pressure off like nothing else? A MANDATORY restful weekend. Starting with invoking that sabbath Saturday. It’s been agreed upon that if it’s in any way work, compulsory, et cetera, it’s not allowed on Saturdays.
No laundry. No cleaning. Minimal cooking, though prepping meals ahead is preferred. During the start to our restful weekend, we devote Saturday to connecting with our kids and finding ways to actually entertain ourselves.
Entertainment does not equal distraction. For example: doom-scrolling and dissociative online shopping are distraction. Playing Mario Kart World multiplayer on the Nintendo Switch 2 with your preschoolers? Entertainment and connection!
Yes, sometimes sabbath Saturdays do incorporate more screens, but it’s generally engaged screentime. I’m learning to appreciate the difference between distraction and leisure. Too much nuance sometimes, when I tend to have a black-and-white view of things.
Anyway…
Leisure is restorative. Doom-scrolling and mindless distraction are not. For a truly restful weekend… And this is key. Are you ready? Opt for activities that actually fill your cup instead of draining it. Boom. Mic drop.
It sounds obvious, yeah, but application is everything. Time to take my own advice. And share it with you! Here’s an excerpt from Parenting Without Burnout discussing the importance of our sabbath Saturday:
Yes, we thrive when we’re checking things off of our to-do list, but there’s ALWAYS stuff on our to-do list. So, we chug along. Sacrifice balance upon the altar of completion, like that won’t ultimately lead to burnout. Right?
Parenting Without Burnout, Chapter 3: Practical Strategies to Slow Down
Having an established day that we preserve, during which we abolish work and productivity, exalting rest and family connection as much as possible has been so helpful for us mentally. We can’t always account for what fate may throw at us when our sacred sabbath Saturday finally arrives, but it makes it easier to roll with what is out of our control.
It frees us up to enjoy one day a week guilt-free. We can connect as a couple. We can game, play more attentively with Orson and Nova, devote time to pure leisure hobbies like reading a book for entertainment…
No writing. No pressing tasks are allowed. Nothing that daily causes stress or compulsory tasks. If it’s something that normally whispers to you that you “should” be taking the time to take care of it, it’s off the table for us.
Because we have no off-switch if there’s any wiggle room. Take away the option.
See? Still so applicable. It won’t solve every problem, but with rest, problems tend to be more approachable. More manageable. A restful weekend is a great start toward less burnout, parental, autistic, or otherwise.
If any of this post resonates with you and/or you’d like more actionable steps that you can take to help banish parental burnout in particular, sign up for my email newsletter. As a thank you, I’m going to send you a FREE gift: a PDF copy of Parenting Without Burnout, gratis.
Leave a comment, and let me know your idea of a restful weekend!
Read. Relax. Rest.