Do you have signs of parental burnout? Don’t all parents? Is it normal, or is it time to change course?
Guess what! Parenting is hard AF! It’s an indisputable fact that parenting is one of the biggest challenges we can face. But just because something is difficult, does that automatically mean it should deplete every resource we have? Is it to be expected that, as parents, we will feel like we’re drowning every single day? Isn’t parental burnout normal?
Nah, fam. Take a step back if you’re accepting this mental hardship as status quo. It’s not just “par for the course”. Yes, parenting is hard AF, for anyone who steps into the role. Stepparents. Adoptive parents. Biologicals. Complicateds. Parenting is hard, but I argue that parental burnout is not the default.
There are a million different reasons why parenting can feel harder today than it ever has. Our village feels nonexistent. Especially since COVID, it’s just not the way our culture coexists anymore. The statistics on family estrangement are boggling (and validating), and the number of people struggling at the poverty line… it just leaves so much to be desired.
Our societal proclivity seems so geared toward parental burnout anymore. Is there really any way to avoid it? And, pray tell, what are the symptoms for which we should be on guard? Are we already suffering from parental burnout?
If you are dealing with parental burnout, you likely already know it. Otherwise, here’s your sign(s):
Signs and Symptoms of Parental Burnout
1. Razor-Thin Patience:
If you can even call it “razor-thin” anymore. It feels like anything and everything can set you off. We all get annoyed by our kids sometimes. That’s normal and even healthy. But if, even when they’re not being that annoying, you’re default is snappy, or even rageful, reactivity… Chances are, you aren’t as bad of a parent as you’re telling yourself you are. Hello, Mom guilt!
Chances are pretty good that you feel like you’re drowning/trapped/suffocating/fill-in-the-blank other existential threat. It’s giving parental burnout, for sure. And it needs to be addressed. Far less “I’m a monster, and my kids need protection from me” and more “I think my family and I need some serious help”.
2. Progressive Disconnection:
Perhaps the reactivity isn’t really the core issue for you. Maybe you dissociate into distractions like a moth to flame. It’s screens. Online shopping. Dopamine hits from favorite comfort foods. Sure, once in a while, treat yourself. It’s not like you really want to numb out and shut yourself off from your kids. It’s just that some days in particular, they feel like too much.
But then some days become most days. Before too long, connection is fraying. Your kids may be acting out more as a result, which only fuels this vicious cycle. And you find yourself not really feeling into the whole parenting thing anymore.
3. Spousal Strife:
Just like with your kids, parental burnout shears away your intimacy with your spouse. The other parent. Maybe the fighting is more frequent because of the season of stress and survival in which you’re cohabitating. Or maybe there’s inequities in the parenting styles that are creating resentments.
You’re in the shit all day, while the other parent is out working. You’re the one trying to be a responsible, stable parent, but you see the person you married as an overgrown child. Instead of operating as a team, maybe your kids manipulate the division, and it’s a matter of good cop vs. bad cop.
Whether from imbalance or shared stressors, you and your spouse spend far more time fighting each other rather than fielding trials as a cohesive unit.
4. Isolation:
Especially in our modern parenting culture, the tendency is to self-isolate. You know you’re struggling. Your kids are struggling. Everything is really, brutally hard. Part of you wants to reach out for help, but maybe it feels inaccessible.
Facebook parenting groups? Sure, if you want your bones picked clean. Surely everyone will judge you and your parenting struggles. You don’t need judgment from others when you’re already your own worst critic.
Maybe extended-family support feels limited or even dangerous. If your extended family is dangerous, cure for isolation would be worse than the disease, amirite? Or perhaps your family is spread out, a flight away; for whatever reason, that support doesn’t feel on the table.
Then, there’s just this expectation that nobody could understand. No one else has had this same, exact, dire, altogether-unique, parenting struggle. No one gets it, so why bother reaching out? Gotta shoulder this alone…
5. Desire to Disappear:
This somewhat relates to Progressive Disconnection, but it’s a bit more dire. With Progressive Disconnection, you may not want to actively shut out your kids. It’s more passive strain. With a deep Desire to Disappear, however, you may be stuck in a dangerous shame spiral. You yearn to escape from parenthood. It’s as much of a cry for help as it could possibly be.
You feel depressed, disillusioned, like all of the joy is stripped from your life. Most days, you feel like a villain in your own story. You look at your cumulative, self-perceived failures, of which you’ve lost count. I’ve been bitchy. I’m doing more harm than good. I’m a terrible parent. This entire family would be so much better off without me… I should just leave.
If that front door is calling, the “convenience-store cigarettes” are beckoning, and you’re searching out the nearest exit on a daily… You are undoubtedly suffering from parental burnout.
6. Simmering Resentment:
Parental burnout makes you feel all kinds of ways, but the biggest lie it can feed you is that there’s someone (or somebodies) to blame.
I think it taps into that very natural desire we all have that anything that happens has a purpose or reason behind it. Maybe it makes us feel a little bit better about ourselves, too, if we can point our fingers at someone else as the reason(s) for our big feelings.
What happens when you find yourself constantly pointing your fingers at your kids as the reason for your misery? Or your partner, for that matter? The resentment borne out of parental burnout builds, and in a way, actually feeds the burnout. Isolation, escapism, disconnection… Resentment insidiously sets the stage.
7. Chronic-Stress Comorbidities:
Hello, maladaptive coping. Welcome in, chronic disease. When you’re constantly subject to the floods of stress hormones, the nonstop assault of the fight-or-flight alarm bells ringing in your body, it takes its toll in substantial ways.
Perhaps your survive-the-day treat of an evening pour of wine morphs into an alcohol dependency or addiction. Or perhaps the stress itself has left you susceptible to an autoimmune condition or heart disease. Body keeps the score, friends. Stress leaves you at greater risk for a whole slew of nasty ailments, so it’s gotta be managed.
Easier said than done when parental burnout is at the helm.
Check, Check, Double Check…
If you read that list and looked over your shoulder expecting to see me there, like I’ve been watching you… Fair to say, you’re dealing with parental burnout. You may even ask yourself how it came to this. How does one succumb to parental burnout anyway?
Belgian researcher, Isabelle Roskam, PhD, put it in these simple terms:
“Burnout is the result of too much stress and the absence of resources to cope with it. You will burn out only if there is an imbalance between stress and resources.”
There you have it. Straight from Dr. Roskam: you need resources.
Lucky for you, I have one such resource that can help you course-correct.
Parenting Without Burnout
We parents are all in this together, so I’m going to toss out a lifeline here. I’m not going to give you a silver-bullet, magic answer to fix your circumstances. I’m not going to tell you that I’m a perfect parent and have all of the answers. But I am going to share with you what I’ve learned on my own parenting journey.
I’ve dealt with parental burnout. It’s insufferable and dangerous. It’s a miserable place to be, and I’m telling you that you don’t have to stay there. There is a better way. It won’t fix everything overnight, but what it will do is give you a groundwork toward solid footing. You can gain ground toward more peace and balance in your home and in your relationships.
I share in my book, Parenting Without Burnout, actionable steps to banish the burnout wreaking havoc upon your family. It’s a short read, so don’t worry about one more pressing source of overwhelm with which to deal. Every part of my book is meant to be manageable, practical, and relatable… with my trademark healthy dose of irreverent humor.
Ultimately, it’s about turning the tide for you and your family’s sanity. Banish the burnout. See hope for your future, and find joy in parenting again. Even when this fast-paced world won’t stop spinning.
As of right now, you can get a FREE downloadable version of Parenting Without Burnout by signing up for The Mamasaur newsletter. We promise we won’t burn you out with spam. If you’d rather, you can also support us by purchasing a copy using this link. Be sure to leave a review!
You got this!
