The Coen Chronicles: Lost and Found

Picking Up Some Lessons at the Lost and Found…

I’m going to preface this Lost and Found posting, right here and now. This might as well be a love letter to my son. I go into this with that established mindset, because I know that I’ll be starting out saying things that may not feel great, although true, and then, wrap it up with all of the amazing things that he does to absolutely enrich my life (in a good way).

Which I can say right now is WAY more than he messes up.

Sipping on an Old Fashioned, taking a deep breath before I dive into this, and thinking about the future of this blog. Particularly how my children will read these entries. I sincerely hope they can read these stories and laugh at themselves, knowing how deeply they were and always will be loved, not “Yeah, okay, Mom, but that was harsh”. Okay, here we go…

Teens…

So, having a teenager is fun…

It’s definitely a gift that just keeps on giving, even when you don’t know if the gift you’re receiving on any given day is something spectacular or just a polished turd.

It’s business as usual for a Monday.  Typically, Mondays and Wednesdays are late pick-up days at Coen’s school because he has a fencing club he attends, so Nathan and I usually load the babies up and go to retrieve the boy as a family.

Let me paint this picture for you: we’re just discussing Nathan’s work day and some technical issues he’s been running into, the babies are entertaining each other in the backseat and we’re enjoying some delightful chortles out of Nova, then, suddenly, the whole mood shifts as we pull up in front of the school.

We don’t see Coen anywhere. What is visible, however, are all of his belongings, strewn on the curb. Unattended lunch box, jacket, backpack (that contains his expensive laptop necessary for school), etc. I’d be lying if I didn’t ask Nathan if I should quickly throw it in the trunk to elicit fear that his things had been stolen. We decided against it.

Lost and Found

Clock is ticking. Where is he? “Did he get kidnapped or something?” Nathan asked at one point. Finally, here he comes, running through the school door to get outside. The second he enters the car, with his gathered belongings, it was like “What were you thinking?” Told him to never, EVER leave his stuff unattended like that again. Then, Nathan asks the question: “Where were you, anyway?”

Guys, this kid of mine had to go get his phone.

From the LOST-AND-FOUND.

Why, pray tell, did he have to go get his phone from the lost-and-found?

Because. he. left. it. UnAtTeNdEd…

Lord, help me. I’d like to say the issue was addressed and ended there and we went about our evening without any further discomfort. I’d like to say that.

But the truth is that at the dinner table, as we’re eating some of the hottest chili I’ve ever eaten in my life (we were out of chili powder, so Nathan substituted burning hot solar flames), Coen looks at us with concern and asks: “So I guess you guys must have had a pretty bad day, huh?”

No. He. Did. Not. Just. Ask. That.

Pretty quickly, we dissected his implication. We couldn’t possibly be upset with him, right? Beyond that, our day hadn’t been all that bad up to that point, really. Just a typical Monday. 

“You really are just angry with me, then?” “Yes, Coen, you messed up, but we still love you”.

Trying to get him to conceptualize certain consequences, I asked him to tell us what his solution would have been if his laptop for school had been stolen. Work through the scenarios. Thank God, it didn’t happen, but you have to be careful. You have to think about these things. Have some common sense about this.

Baby Steps

But, honestly, what’s most important to us is his journey in learning personal responsibility. Not shifting blame or thinking that what he did was not a big deal. We’re not crossing Xs on our calendar, counting down the days to graduation and him moving out with excitement. It’s more like, OH NO, we only have this little sliver of time left before he disembarks to teach him ALL OF THESE THINGS, and we’ve told him as much. 

All of that on the table, I’m scared for him. And I know he’ll still make mistakes when he’s on his own, but I do have so much faith in my son.

I came on the scene when he was 12. In 4 furiously fast and outrageously full years, I’ve seen him grow tremendously. His character has grown. He is the best big brother my babies could ever wish for. And honestly, in terms of teenagers, I couldn’t imagine raising an easier one. 

A Good Kid

Coen’s stepping out of his own head and thinking of others more. He’s gained so much wisdom in these years. While we still initially see the walls go up when we’re telling him something he doesn’t want to hear, they come down so much faster. He takes time to process and actually tries to implement.

Coen talks to us, which is HUGE for a 16-year-old. He doesn’t get up to any truly rebellious mischief, like experimenting with drugs or premarital sex. Really, he makes, mostly, good choices.

What’s really wonderful is the ways in which our relationship has expanded. This kid put up with so much when I was a pregnant psycho. So thankful hubby got da ol’ “snip-snip”, ‘cause being preggo does not agree with my psyche or my underlying trauma baggage. He forgave me, and we’ve done a lot of growing up together. 

So even in spite of the tiff over the poor decision to abandon his belongings to chance (to go to the lost and found)…we addressed it, made room for honest feelings (namely parental anger), and shared love. 

By that night, before bed, he still wanted to come out, hug his “Mama” (I melt when he calls me that!) and ask how my blog is coming along. 

This boy made me a “Mama”, and really, the mother I am today. Without him inspiring me to put the work in (and God telling me to pull my head out of my butt and step up to be a better Mama), I shudder to think of the woman I would be today. 

Thank you, Coen, for helping your Papa to pull my heart out of the lost and found.