That’s what my 16-year-old asked me yesterday. “Is it worth it?” during a brief interaction in which we talked about his baby siblings. I was playing with Orson and Nova on the floor, having a great time, when he came out to join us. Orson was trying to place my sunglasses on my face as best as he can manage. Nova clumsily toddled around us.
Out of the Mouths of Babes
I have to hand it to my teenager. He’s learning to be more extrospective, making intentional attempts to not be in his own head all of the time. Which is impressive since he has ASD level 1/HFA. It’s been a lesson that has been repeated for a while now. And it seems that the seeds that we’ve tried to plant about being present and considerate of others, etc, have really begun to bear fruit.
Proud parenting moment!
He comes in to watch this interaction between the babies and myself. After a thoughtful moment, says something to this effect:
“It must be really stressful for you, being with the babies all day long. I mean, it’s stressful for me when I just have to watch them by myself for a few minutes, but you don’t really get a break…unless they’re sleeping, I guess.”
I love that he’s being this considerate, guys, that he’s showing true empathy and thoughtfulness of others. And I know it’s genuine because, like I said, this was a very fun and positive interaction that he walked into involving Mama and babies giggling and playing together.
Not a “Do I look stressed to you?! What would EVER give you that idea?! I’m fine! You’re fine! Everything is hunky-dory!” moment that would lend itself to the idea that parenting is a stressful catastrophe.
Is It Worth It?
“Well, even when they’re sleeping, I’m having to be productive: cleaning, doing laundry, exercising, things like that…”
I don’t say this to Coen to garner sympathy, but more just to be open, honest, and vulnerable. To give him some sense of the weight that goes into “adulting” with a family, while validating his very accurate perception of reality.
In other words, “You’re making an abstract observation based upon a supposition, and I want to let you know that your beliefs are valid”.
I like moments like this. I can offer feedback that could potentially bolster, in some small way, his sense of trust in his own observations. Having been gaslit so much as a child/young adult, it’s incredibly important to me to instill self-confidence and trust-in-self within my children.
“Is it worth it?”
“Oh, absolutely. Yes.”
“No hesitation, just like that?”
The older your children get, I love how the subject matter of conversations and the things you have to teach deepen in complexity. I feel like we’ve seen moments with all of our children in which, while we’re teaching a specific lesson or concept, we realize we haven’t even entirely grasped it ourselves. But this is most true of interactions with our eldest.
Growth Comes From Challenge
Teaching your teenager that value is not intrinsically determined by how much happiness something brings you is a great example of something, even as grown adults, we need to be reminded of from time to time. Not everything that is worth pursuing will be easy, and that’s okay. Growth comes from challenge.
If my children’s worth and value came from how easy they are to raise, how much happiness they give me, I really need to take a hard look at my priorities. It’s very rarely, if ever, effortless, in moments to be a parent. And heck yes, there are many brutal days. Especially when you have 3 very different children, all in different stages, needing very different things from you.
And, while I may not be “happy” in every second of motherhood, it is so very much worth it.