Before Nathan and I committed to having children together (I was on the fence and he was not into the idea of a future with babies when we were dating), he told me, “Kids make your highs higher and your lows lower”. I totally understood that…in theory. It’s just not something you have any basis for comprehending when you aren’t a parent.
Nathan Had Been Laid Off
There have been a lot more low lows than high highs lately, just with developmental leaps, sleep regressions, endlessly repeating the same lessons to our teenager that we have gone over so many times before. But beyond that, Nathan had been laid off at the start of this year. While we’re super thrilled he was hired by this amazing company (and LOVES it), it was almost 4 months without work.
Single man, enough in savings to scrape by, maybe it’s a low point, sure. But a married man trying to support a family of five, in this economy? That, my friends, is a very low low. Stressors become compounding and arc out exponentially, every minor crisis snowballs into a seemingly insurmountable hurdle, negativity begets negativity.
Even on just the day-to-day basis, basic low points just hit differently. No sleep last night? I’m physiologically depressed, grateful beyond reason for where I am, for the children that I have, but ZERO energy to deal with them, much less connect with them, first thing in the morning. So after a rough night, they get an hour of Bluey or Paisley’s Corner on YouTube while Mama rests a little longer on the couch.
That hour feels like a low-low for me.
A High-High
But then, I get off the couch. We take our morning walk and enjoy sunshine and snacks and a breezy Texas morning before hellfire heat sets in. Things start getting a little clearer and the coffee kicks in and my blood is pumping.
Then, Orson sees a “ki-cat run!” and I realize he’s been speaking in multi-word sentences more frequently lately! I model picking up recycling in the neighborhood, and recognize that in trying to be a good model, my children are indirectly teaching me to be a better person. That is a high-high.
Watching Orson and Nova’s personalities emerge more and more everyday, seeing Coen when a lesson finally clicks AND he realizes why we’ve been teaching it, seeing all of the kids love on and enjoy each other and be so affectionate…I am so deeply privileged. Wanna get high? Have kids. Wait…that doesn’t quite sound right, does it?
Parenting requires you to take the lows with the highs, but there are plenty of highs to find if you aren’t focusing on the lows.
Magic in the Highs and Lows
My children give me highs every single day. Hearing them giggle and Orson’s exaggerated, exuberant “Hiiiii” when we walk in the nursery to get them up for the day. Watching Nova toddle up and down the sidewalk on our evening stroll, waving a pebble in her hand as if to say: “Can you BELIEVE that these are just here? This is free for me to take and it’s ALL MINE!”
The way they yell “Bubba!” when Coen gets in the car from school pick-up, and the way that Coen, a teenager, talks to us about important things, hugs me, and calls me Mama.
The lows may be lower, but the highs are definitely higher. This is the highest I’ve ever been! High AF, boi…knowing how much magic lies just around the corner, how much of it already exists in this present moment, and how much of it has already passed all around us. I’m grateful, and wouldn’t trade any of the highs or lows. Even for one more restful night. As tempting as it is sometimes…