A real daddy’s girl. That’s absolutely what I was. Even though my mother always used the threat of him as “the bad guy” against my sister and me, he still always felt like the lesser evil. While, when I was younger I was often terrified of his creatively sadistic methods of spanking, I still so often would and have jumped to his defense. Even to the extent of saying “I get why he was an abusive alcoholic for so many years…I’d drink if she were my wife, too”.
My mother was no great loss to me in comparison. I miss both of my parents, but my dad will always be the one I mourn the most when I think of who I would’ve loved to see hold my babies. My son, Orson, is a spitting image of him. I think of how much I would’ve loved to see him enjoy playing with the kids. And I see how much he’s missing with every day that passes that he’s mired in his enabling, codependent “Stockholm Syndrome”.
However, with time and distance, I’ve learned he’s not a real man. He’s nothing but an aged child.
The Bigger They Are, The Harder They Fall…
My father was a very broken man, emotionally immature, untrustworthy…he carried around a ridiculous amount of anger. He’d hole away and withdraw for days at a time without speaking to anyone. When he and my mom would fight, he’d bitch to me and my sister about it. When we would let our guards down and confide in him, feeling like he’d now see how much we were suffering too, he’d immediately go to my mother and rat us out to get into her good graces.
Looking back to when I was younger, there were, I thought, so many things that I idolized him for. Like his work ethic. This guy was a mule (in more ways than one), an absolute workhorse, and there was nothing that he could not do or figure out. We rarely, but could have, great conversations about documentaries we’d get sucked into together. For all of his faults, I definitely had him up on a pedestal.
There were moments of softness (when he wasn’t trying to “toughen me up”) that would seep out in our interactions that made him seem like a lesser evil…but he outed himself as being just as bad as the real toxic, hot-mess of that family dynamic. Every single time he emotionally abandoned us to defend his hostile, abusive wife “for the sake of marital unity”.
An enabler. A weak, angry, bitter, broken man enslaved by his manipulative, gaslighting, controlling, taskmaster wife. I’m glad that they have each other, because they really are an undeniably great match to keep the poison somewhat self-contained.
Disillusioned Daddy’s Girl
He never taught me what to look for in a man. I bounced around for years from one dysfunctional mess to another. I told him once about a chokehold a guy put me in during a big fight, and he asked me what I did to deserve it. Though, that’s coming from the same man who choked his own wife (because she “pushed his buttons”) and threatened to break my arm if I called the cops…when I was 13.
The one great lesson that my father did impart to me, however, was that people are capable of change. After that incident when I was 13, he got arrested, then stayed with some family friends. But while he was gone, I was taken advantage of by an older man. My dad blamed himself for not being there to protect me, so he said, and gave up alcohol.
He did mellow out quite a bit after that, but if he were really so concerned about protecting me, that’s a lesson he absolutely failed to learn. My takeaway knowledge that people can change has ultimately helped me learn to value myself more and to take care of myself, including cutting off the people who so horribly betrayed me.
A Real Man
It’s been four years of marriage to Nathan that has truly revealed so much undeniable truth to me. Especially about what a real man looks like. I may not have ever learned from my own father what to look for in a good partner, but by God’s grace, Nathan found and pursued me at the perfect time…when I was done trying to look.
This man is patient, gracious, compassionate, and kind. He’s not afraid to tell me some hard truths that I need to hear. And he’s humble when I have constructive criticisms of my own to deliver. He’s trustworthy. Nathan is incredibly smart, he does his best to fix things that need fixing. He’s dependable and works so hard for our family.
I feel so valued by him. I know my parents fought a lot, but I don’t know what so deeply ingrained itself in my head that I find myself utterly shocked every time he meets an idea of mine with positive support. He isn’t at all the picture of a spouse that I had in my mind for so many years. Thank God I didn’t marry before him.
He’s the best partner for family adventures. For not wanting anymore kids when he met me, he cherishes the children we’ve had together so much. The fact we had them at all just speaks volumes to his desire to work with me, not against me. To build happiness and a peaceful home.
Happy Papa’s Day
I was just raised by immature, selfish people; it’s still so mind-blowing every single day that I’m married to Nathan. He surprises me just by being loving and supportive and himself.
He’s not perfect, but I know that I and our children are safe. Because of his stability and shelter and leadership, this family is a strong unit. Nathan is a real man. I know the invaluable gift that his example will be to Nova, when she’s old enough to get married. She will know what qualities to look for because of how she sees Papa treat her Mama.
With this, I wish Nathan the very happiest of Papa’s Days! You’re the best Papa our kids could ever hope to have. I’m so very grateful that you’re my sexy baby daddy, and I love you.