Happy Mother’s Day…
As much as I try to suppress them, Mother’s Day brings up soooo many feelings for me, as I’m sure it does for a lot of people. In different seasons of my life, it’s meant different things: obligation, maybe some resentment, when I was younger; sadness and resignation when I, at one point, questioned whether I would ever or even could ever have children of my own; and there’s this Mother’s Day…
Grief and seething bitterness come to mind, but also deep, persevering hope and gratitude, maybe some optimism sprinkled in. It’s a heavy, burden-laden day anyway that I look at it, but perspective is so important.
This day is not a day to honor the lazy, emotionally-immature, selfish abusers; it’s a reminder of the important role “good enough” mothers play. Perfection is never the goal of proper, loving parents; progress is. Self-improvement is. Modeling health and abiding love and compassion is.
Raging in Church
Sitting in church this morning, listening to the Mother’s Day opening message, honoring different types of mothers and how they “show up”, I felt this sudden flood of rage sweep over me. Then the pastor asked that all of the mothers in attendance stand up for applause, and the tension in my body was palpable.
I’m hoping that one day, my own motherhood will override the pain of my mother, so that emotional discomfort isn’t how I internally associate the day. Today, so far, has at least proven that it’s possible…
My three children bring me so much delight, and my teenager even gave me a handwritten, heartfelt Mother’s Day note this morning. Everyone was happy to get up insanely early this morning to take me out to Magnolia Pancake Haus to celebrate (stupid Texas, no mimosas allowed on Sundays before 10am, apparently), and my thoughtful hubby set up a dinner reservation to take me out for a date tonight at Paesano’s in San Antonio.
I do feel so cherished, and I’m so grateful for the family that Nathan and I have built. I’m unspeakably thankful to be a mother today, everyday really (even when I don’t always feel it). I know how incredibly fortunate I am, it’s just hard.
It’s hard enough just to be a parent. It’s especially hard feeling the impetus, weight, responsibility of breaking toxic cycles, trying to model things for my children that were never modeled for me: balance, peace, humility, self-accountability and willingness to admit mistakes as a parent, ask forgiveness from my children, and continue to grow.
Finding a Balance
It’s also hard finding balance in my feelings about today when there are just so many of them. I pray for my mother consistently. And I do miss her (or at least an idealized, what-could-have-been version of her that never existed). Going No Contact was necessary, but was never a choice that I relished.
And while it’s easy to spiral, I don’t want to spend the day simmering in the misery of the past and giving over any more control/power than what was already exerted over me for years…
I want to meditate in my present joy. Appreciate all that I have now in spite of where I started. Remember today as a call-to-arms, a call to continue rising to the challenge. Even when motherhood is so grueling and hard.
Even when you’re starting from scratch in defining what a good mother looks like.
Happy Mother’s Day, Indeed
Happy Mother’s Day to me, because I know I’m putting in the work. I have peace in my home. My children are safe and happy, and they know that I love them beyond measure. There is not a single thing that I wouldn’t do to protect my kids…even cutting off my own mother.
Happy Mother’s Day to the childhood abuse survivors who are overcoming the weight of the past. A Happy Mother’s Day to the ones accepting the yoke of doing better. NOT just accepting the status quo when it comes to your own parenting.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas out there. Love your babies, and celebrate you today.