This tea isn’t strong enough…
Reading upon the side of my Gemini tea cup (full of Sleepytime Extra) these qualities that supposedly make up my being based upon my birthdate: Imaginative. Creative. Clever. Hmph. Not at 11:38PM, I’m not. Still, here I am, embarking upon this stay at home mom blog enterprise. Before starting this entry, I was sure I had so much to say, so much coherent wisdom to impart upon some thirsting readership. Then, as I started to type, I began to notice how much that vertical black bar would just blink at me, waiting for my input.
Now my babies stir on our nursery monitor…I have two toddlers, a 2+ year old named Orson Kurt and a 15 month old, Nova Mira. It’s almost midnight, guys. Gooooo to sleep. This is time for Mama and Papa to have a moment of peace and rest. A moment for Mama to say “Wouldn’t it be fun to start an online blog to dedicate my evenings to?” I joke, but I am actually pretty excited for this endeavor, if for no other reason than posterity. An online journal of sorts to look back on to laugh and remember the horrors of toddlerhood and teenagerdom (I also have a 16 year old stepson, God have mercy upon my soul). I’m so, so tired, people.
Still, I cannot begin to describe how edifying this embarkation feels. I was just talking with my husband, Nathan, about this very concept this evening. I have desperately needed an outlet. Look, I could not be happier with where I’m at in life, let me be perfectly clear. I have everything I’ve ever dreamed of, God has blessed me beyond reason and answered countless, very specific prayers, and I will forever be grateful. But, wow, I need an outlet. Namely, a creative outlet.
A flatlined cardiac nurse…
I’m a retired RN. I worked as a nurse for almost 6 years and was a nurse tech for nearly 2 years before that. I was good at it, too. But I hated my job. I mean, there were times I truly did gain a lot of satisfaction from helping my patients, bringing them joy when I could, doing my best to keep them alive, but how much did I really loathe my job? Let me provide some examples:
- Constant anxiety that got worse the longer I worked that, eventually, my luck would run out. Working as a cardiac RN on a higher acuity floor for much of my career, I knew it was only a matter of time before one of MY patients would code. My social anxiety is such that it wasn’t necessarily the fear of someone needing life-saving measures that terrified me, so much as the idea that being yelled at by my interdisciplinary care team members for not providing adequate enough CPR or not moving quickly enough would haunt me till the end of my days
- Digital disimpaction of severely constipated patients. It’s exactly what it sounds like, but truly, with context, so much horrifyingly worse than you could imagine. You know what stirring cooked pasta sounds like, right?
- Being trapped in a patient’s room, giving every nonverbal, communication-blocking signal that I had to get back to work, while, due to my own codependent struggles, being held hostage by people who just. want. to. talk. f.o.r.e.v.e.r.
- BURNOUT. Severe, soul-crushing, poor-staffing-ratios BURNOUT. I worked nights for the majority of my career. Loved my night crew completely. However, especially once I got married and became a stepmother, I was an absolute husk of a person. I had no energy, no joy to share with or impart to my family. I just had nothing left and was the unhealthiest physically and mentally that I’ve probably ever been. Even when I switched to days at a lower acuity facility in a cushy post-op position, shortly before I got pregnant with my son Orson, I just couldn’t shake the fact that I was already on fumes, completely spent. Then, the pandemic hit the states in March 2020, I worked all through my pregnancy until Orson was born that December, and retired to be a stay at home mama, figuring I’d earned my stripes.
- And finally, woof, nursing/hospital management/administration. Gag me.
My Very Own Stay at Home Mom Blog…
With all of that said, productivity, especially in a career-type of setting, felt like purpose. I’ve recently been, and actually finished tonight, acquiring all of my continuing education certifications to be able to keep my license active. Y’know, just in case my sugar-daddy husband kicks it and I have to somehow be responsible for keeping myself and our brood alive…when his income as a video game animator has consistently brought in WAY MORE income than keeping people alive as a nurse ever did.
Needless to say, a girl’s gotta have a plan.
The education has felt nice, though, even if it is grindy, nursing education. It felt like actual work, not just housework or parenting. It struck me deeply tonight: that need for an outlet. Nathan has his work. Animation is absolutely his passion…he’s so gifted at it. Even on days where he may feel like a crappy parent (he isn’t, he’s the BEST), he still has an outlet where he is creative, productive, receives positive feedback (and money, woot woot)
I have days, many, many days, in fact, where I feel like a crappy parent…and that’s pretty much it. It isn’t great for the self-confidence, I tell you. I am a good mother, I love my children and my children love me, but oof, I NEED an outlet. Being a good mother is NOT all that I am. So here we are. Let’s see where this stay at home mom blog goes…