Just another relentless cycle to be broken…
With the impending holidays, I’ve been mulling something over. The idea of Pendulum Parenting.
Hating how you were raised (or who raised you) that you vow to never be like them. So much so that you overcompensate and swing way too hard in the opposite direction. And, really, any extreme can be harmful. Even if it’s too much of a “good thing” like gentle parenting.
That’s how you get passive or permissive, weak parenting. Still, ultimately destructive.
I also theorize a hidden danger in parenting out of resentment for your own childhood is that you can swing SO violently to the opposite side of the Parenting Pendulum that you actually come full circle and become just like your parents. Definitely a real parenting pressure when attempting to break cycles.
Stressful Swinging
The holidays are my absolute favorite time of year. They’re also the absolute busiest. The levels of stress and burnout are palpable, but the sheer amount of consolidated productivity is so satisfying. I’ll get swept up in a burst of party-planning and Christmas decorating or shopping (you can check out my Holiday Gift Guide here), then wipe out for an evening or two.
It’s been my own self-contained version of Pendulum Parenting: attempting to balance and manage my productivity, burnout, stress, reactivity, impatience…with my joy, excitement, and gratitude.
The ante is upped this year. The toddlers are old enough to get into the spirit of things. Delight in the magical glow of the Christmas tree. Comment on the stockings hung up on the wall. This is our second to last Christmas season with Coen before he graduates. Not to mention the first Christmas Day we’ve had with him since marrying.
I love to make the holidays and celebrations special for everyone in every way that I can. Here’s the breakdown of major events this season:
23rd of November-Thanksgiving
3rd of December-Orson’s “Dark Side” 3rd Birthday Party
9th of December-Coen’s “D & D” 17th Birthday Party
25th of December-Christmas Day
7th of January-Nova’s “R2-D2” 2nd Birthday Party
Suffice it to say, we always end up having packed, non-stop weekends for the month and a half long stretch. Non-stop baking and cooking. Prepping. Cleaning. Shopping. Decorating. And it’s a massive amount of satisfying, but stressful work.
Fighting Against
Pendulum Parenting
As I said, I’ve been mulling over Pendulum Parenting lately. I’ve always attempted to be very careful not to fall into this trap, either coming full circle to project my childhood trauma onto my children or swinging too far in the other direction.
I’ve talked about some of my personal grievances with how I was raised and how it’s affected my own parenting journey; however, the holidays strike a different chord for me.
My mother always tried to make everything perfect for Christmas…
Regardless of the fact that I was so often scapegoated for ruining every holiday or get-together growing up, or the nightmarish, non-stop, cleaning marathon that left everyone feeling miserable and resentful the day of, I do remember how stunning everything always was.
Feasts with leftovers that could last for days and days. A massive mountain of presents surrounding a gorgeously decorated tree. Watching National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. (Which I still do.) And the stockings…
For whatever reason, the stockings are what I remember most enjoying growing up. They were an event unto themselves. Absolutely stuffed with goodies and treats and treasures, each curated with thoughtful consideration for the recipient. I even remember one year getting Home Alone 2 on VHS in my stocking. Silly, but the stockings left a lasting impression.
Maybe Pendulum Parenting would have me dreading and resenting and fearing any mention of Christmas, but that isn’t what I choose this time of year. I honestly couldn’t even if I tried. I love Christmas far too much and want to instill that same thrill and anticipation and enjoyment in my children.
To teach them that Christmas can be beautiful AND happy.
Finding Equilibrium on the Parenting Pendulum
I recognize and appreciate the image in my head of childhood Christmases, even if I know they were always fraught with a mental and emotional toll, conflict leading up to, needless overstress and overexertion. Even if I know it was all an illusion of perfection for other people…
I admire how perfect my mother always wanted to try to make everything. But it came at a cost. So how to navigate the season in light of the potential Parenting Pendulum pitfall?
I honor her mission. The memory of what I know she wanted to achieve. The amount of work we ALL put forth to try to make it happen. However, I know so much of it was forced, micro-managed perfection. What mattered is how everything looked on the outside, not how anyone felt on the inside.
My gift to my family in light of my experiences (and overall adoration of the holiday) is to create not only a picturesque Christmas celebration but also a stress-free, peaceful time of family togetherness and shared joy. I want our home to be a holiday sanctuary. Truly.
Side Note.
I’m super fortunate to have a husband who appreciates how much I love to decorate and set up the house for the holidays that he’s more than happy to pitch in and help in anyway that he can. I love the special trips we take to Central Market for holiday meal ingredients. The way we share the kitchen and dance around each other, cooking and baking as an efficient party-planning partnership.
He grounds and supports me so that I can embrace the beautiful vision of Christmas that my mother aspired to without the nightmarish World War III hostility and micromanagement that always preceded every holiday. That was always, in her estimation, my fault.
Like my Parenting Perspective article, dodging the Parenting Pendulum requires acceptance. Taking what good there was in spite of the overwhelming bad. There was good and beauty and magic. I’m just not willing to pay for it all in the same way. I’m finding my equilibrium. And I, along with my family, will be enjoying this holiday season because of it.