It’s got some magic, but the food will make you wish it was a time machine.
I’ve seen Magic Time Machine countless times on my way to take the babies to the San Antonio Zoo. The building always grabs my attention. It’s a curious looking place, albeit run down, but based on the name, I’ve always assumed it fits the shtick.
Magic Time Machine definitely seemed like a must-visit place. At least once. Nathan and I had mentioned it in passing quite a few times, but never committed to dropping in until after I checked out the website…
Happy 50th Birthday, Magic Time Machine San Antonio!
After reading a month or two ago that the San Antonio Magic Time Machine opened August of 1973, I figured it made the PERFECT excuse to visit. Let’s go August 2023! We can check out what’s kept MTM operational for the past 50 years!
Spoiler alert: it’s not the food.
To be completely honest, I’m not sure what exactly it is that has kept Magic Time Machine San Antonio open. Don’t get me wrong. Our experience wasn’t all bad. I just don’t see how a place like that can keep running on, I don’t know–funky nostalgia?–for 50+ years.
Alright. Let me break down the San Antonio Magic Time Machine for you. As best as I can. I have a lot of cognitive dissonance and confusion about this place. If you do decide to visit, you’ll be at least somewhat forewarned of what to expect.
Kiddie Kitsch
To be fair, the website does not sufficiently communicate that the Magic Time Machine is VERY geared toward kids. From the restaurant bio, it honestly just sounds like a fun, interesting, entertaining place to eat. And we’re parents with two little toddlers. A kids-geared restaurant isn’t even an automatic negative.
It was pretty clear what we had in store for us from the moment we got to our table. Cute, autograph book-style kids’ menus (Orson and Nova were obsessed). Generous use of food-grade dry ice for drinks and theatrics. Cutesy, but quick insight into the kid-focused nature of the place.
I just like being mentally prepared for what to expect before going somewhere. And call me crazy. A menu item called “Roman Orgy” didn’t scream upscale Chuck E. Cheese to me. I’m picking up some mixed messages here.
The aesthetic itself is fun in its own charming, kitschy way. I’d never personally use it as a decorative motif, but places that successfully incorporate the “fun tacky” do appeal to me in small doses.
Magic Time Machine in San Antonio has got character. It draws the eye. Everywhere you look, there’s something different to see. It’s super visually stimulating, for better or worse. It’s fun to see, but a lot, and places like that, especially running for 50 years, tend to get dusty. But I’ve never been one to turn up my nose at a hole-in-the-wall if it promises a great experience.
Magic Time Machine may have promised, but it didn’t deliver.
Low-Budget Disney
I don’t know what MTM was like back in the day. It seems to me that “Magic Time Machine”, at least the San Antonio location, is a total misnomer. I didn’t at all feel like I was transported in time. Unless it’s referring to stepping foot in an establishment that doesn’t look like it’s been updated once since opening.
I felt more like we were transported to a super kitschy, low-budget Disney.
Where is Marilyn Monroe? Where is Indiana Jones? Their signatures were already in the kids’ menu autograph books. What about Braveheart or Batman and Robin or Zorro? Maybe they were deeper in the restaurant? We saw a lot of Disney princesses. Mirabel was our waitress (and I have to say, she was the saving grace of Magic Time Machine San Antonio).
I’m just disappointed, really. It seems that, at some point, MTM abandoned the original, super creative and interesting vision, to simply phone it in and go all-in for the kiddie pop culture. I guess it makes sense, but how cheap! And really, if it’s all low-budget Disney nods, then why does “time machine” factor in at all? Boo.
BIG Shout Out!
Okay, but seriously. Mirabel Madrigal. From Disney’s Encanto. This woman must have literally stepped out of the silver screen. In Disney cast member fashion, ohmigosh, did she absolutely look and SOUND the part! She made jokes and references in keeping with Mirabel’s character, and she sounded EXACTLY like her. Incredibly impressed. Nova SO enjoyed interacting with her!
Mirabel was unbelievably attentive, energetic, and engaging, personable and funny. She really is the one saving grace of our entire experience at Magic Time Machine San Antonio. I cannot rave enough about her.
One staff member dressed like an anime character came by and heckled Nova (a 19-month old little girl) for crumbling crackers onto the ground. Maybe it was his act that he was keeping with, but yeah, kind of a jerk move. Kind of feels like there wouldn’t have been a single redeeming thing about our time here had it not been for Mirabel.
Magic Time Paradox
Nathan pointed out something so astutely during our time here that I have to quote him. “I mean this in the nicest way possible. This is like an asylum run by the inmates.”
Wow. Yes, absolutely. These words are a perfect summation of what Magic Time Machine San Antonio offers. Nothing here quite makes sense. It’s for kids, but not exactly? There are periodic overhead PA announcements? One even ended with the hostess making some remark to the effect of “I said ‘duty’. Heh-heh.”
I found myself, at times, laughing more out of a sense of social anxiety and nervousness than pure entertainment. And the salad car. Awesome refurbed car, but I gotta ask. How are salad bars even a thing in the post-pandemic world? It feels like an automatic health code violation. And there were NO labels. Don’t get me started on the bewildering cheese cookies. I don’t know what those were. But Orson and Nova liked them.
The whole layout of MTM feels like a fire hazard-filled labyrinth. Everything is fun and kitschy, a feast for the eyes. BUT it’s all SO claustrophobic. And one could too easily get lost between the salad car and his or her assigned table. Mirabel gave me detailed directions as she led me through the maze to the car to ensure that I’d be able to find my way back.
Not-So-Magical Meal
After tasting our meal, however, I would have preferred being lost.
You know when you’re ravenously hungry, everything tastes way better than it is. In this case, we were very hungry. And the burger we got tasted…fine. It was an okay burger, but that was all. I definitely wouldn’t say it was good. But that half rack of ribs…
Can I preface this with the fact that I am in NO WAY a picky eater? Even if it’s not great, I still eat what’s on my plate. Especially knowing how much something costs. From the first dry, incredibly gristly bite to the last, I knew that past, present, and future Mamasaur never had eaten nor would ever again eat a worse rack of ribs than this.
So, yes, Nathan and I were both wishing for a Magic Time Machine to go back to before choosing to eat the food here. Everything tasted pre-packaged. The only thing that could be considered fresh about it was how recently it was pulled from a freezer.
Our meal was delivered before Nathan even returned from his trip to the salad car. So everything is very quick order, heat-up. The ribs were glued to the bone. Nothing about them was tender. If you’ve got some iron guts and fried-out taste buds, you’ll love the generous portions. Your money goes a LONG way here. But not anywhere close to quality.
Imagine Chuck E. Cheese serving you burgers and ribs, or choosing those as entrees at Incredible Pizza. At least at those places, you know going in what quality (and indigestion) you’re signing up for.
We did box up the toddlers’ left over pizza (served on a veritable mattress of fries) to take home. Our sweet, senior dog, Django, had quite a feast that night.
Order Up: Magic Time Machine San Antonio!
Pros:
They asked us ad nauseum if we were there to celebrate anything. As a young kid, I probably would have enjoyed this place for a birthday party. SUPER kid-friendly, geared toward celebrations and birthday parties for sure. My toddlers just aren’t really old enough to fully appreciate the costumed staff yet.
Cute, albeit confusing and inefficient, touches like the autograph book kids’ menu. Kids literally run around like they’re trick-or-treating to get signatures of their favorite pop icons/waitstaff. Did enjoy the use of food-grade dry ice, even though it made Orson nervous.
Seriously, if it weren’t for Mirabel, I don’t think I’d be trying to scrape the barrel so hard for pros. She was incredible. But I think she deserves better with her talent than to be shackled to this place.
Cons:
Poorly laid out. Labyrinthian. Claustrophobic. CONFUSING. VERY dated, not altogether in a bad way, but very in a never-updated way. But the carpeting is awful and old, probably original. TERRIBLE food. Calling it edible is the greatest compliment that I can give it. Nathan and I literally grieved the wasted calories.
The cash-grab hard lean into the Disney realm calls up questions of licensing issues, but mums the word, I guess.
And honestly, I’m still pretty peeved at that tool of a server. Look, I apologize for my daughter making a small mess of saltines. Even a short sarcastic quip, if that offers you catharsis, I’m fine with. But I could tell from her face that she honestly thought that you were upset with her about the crackers. Maybe you were, but you work at a kids’ restaurant. It’s kind of par for the course.
Meh, none of that really matters at this point, because we won’t be going back. We don’t even need a Magic Time Machine for this to quickly become nothing but a distant, dusty memory.